Thinking of you

I’m constantly thinking about our adoptive child – and always wondering what she will be like. The last couple of nights when we’ve put our kids to bed – with kisses and cuddles, I thought of our future daughter and if shes comfortable, and if anyone is cuddling her to sleep. Does she drink milk before bed? Or use a pacifier, or does she sleep with any of her toys like Aya – two stuffed pandas, Arial, and Princess Jasmine.

I imagine she sleeps alone in a crib, or a bed. It’s hard not to think of her -always. A bit like when I thought of Joud when I was pregnant, what she will look like, how Aya will respond to her, will she look like Dennis or will she look like me. But this time, I can’t feel our future daughter kicking, and I don’t know when shes sleeping or awake and there’s no time frame for when she will be with us. With Joud and Aya, we knew – 40 weeks and they’re here.

I wonder if there is something called for these emotions – the same emotions you feel when you’re pregnant – excitement, fear, eager – constantly thinking about the child – but not actually being physical pregnant. I feel like this girl – wherever she is is already ours. Once upon a time she was born, not by me, not having my or her father’s features, but she is ours, our daughter, our kin. We just have to wait until she finds us and we find her.

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